On Being Dull

I am dull. Boring. Uninteresting. I think that's ok? Or at least that's what I've ended up telling myself haha.

In reality I think it has negatively affected me, it at least makes me less likely to talk to people, I don't want to be a burden on them? Or bore them with my nothingness. It makes it hard to keep friends too I guess, if you don't talk to people they kinda don't talk to you - at least that's my experience.

I understand it's partly down to always being told off or talked down to for my interests, my family simply do not care about what I'm interested in because it doesn't interest them. I remember talking about pokemon on several occasions at the dinner table as a kid and being very told very shortly: "no talking about pokemon at the table" this very quickly spiralled into anything I would talk about, which is probably the cause of me not talking about the things I enjoy, the guilt from me starting to think something was fun/cool.

That's been a constant through my life, I think I'm slowly unpicking it by surrounding myself with people with similar interests, I still can't bring myself to get too excited or talk to people about these things, but if there's discussion I can try to push myself to take part, all while feeling bad for talking and taking up other people's time that they wanted to spend talking about the things that I so desperately feel like I need to let out.

So what is this even about? I don't know... is this a vent? is this just a stream of consciousness? Honestly I think I just wanted to type this out to have it written down somewhere.

contact me!: luna@soup3461.com

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